For many people Brighton’s West Pier is a relic from a bygone age, a victim of arson, a landmark failure of common decency in the face of greed and corruption.

It is a little known fact that, since its demise on 11th May 2003, it has been anything but a victim or a failure. It was requisitioned as an antenna for guiding alien spaceships to the Brighton Pride festival where aliens could blend in seamlessly with the LGBTQ+ community and enjoy their time on Earth without fear of discrimination or harassment.

Stonewall has denied that requests have been made to have a more inclusive gender categorisation encompassing carbon-based life forms from other planets that have more than two sexes. The woke debate continues apace.

The controversial Brighton Scotch Eggs were removed from Edinburgh Castle by James VI of Scotland when he acceded to the throne of England and Ireland as James I in 1603. The government of Scotland is now demanding their return, but Brighton and Hove City Council is asking for compensation of £48 million to pay for debts built up by the troubled i360 attraction. Plans for the taxpayer to save the eggs were nearly scotched by a backbench revolt of Conservative MPs who have now been left with considerable egg on face as the rest of the party voted overwhelmingly in favour. The Scottish government has yet to comment.

British Airways crews at the Brighton i360 are demanding parity with their short-haul flight colleagues. “Not only do they get paid more than us, they get more perks, such as foreign travel and discount flights.” said a spokesperson at an emergency meeting convened by the conciliation service ACAS.
Crews are threatening to stop operations with a full complement of “passengers” aloft and leave them there till management agrees to further talks. One senior BA executive was overheard saying “If they think they’ve got us over a barrel by stranding fifty people in an oversize cock ring 160m off the ground they can f*ck right off.” The CEO was unavailable for comment.

Gender-neutral all-weather toilets are being installed along the A270 Lewes Road for students at Brighton University. This is the result of months of campaigning to reduce waiting times from an average forty-five minutes to the government’s benchmark ten minutes. A student spokesperson said he was “pleased with the result” but “disappointed that the university had done so little to help”. The first flush is scheduled for the week before term starts, allowing time for engineers to perform extensive testing before doing a final system dump.